The election process baffles many young people-- they are full of questions like:
-Where do I go to vote?
-How do I register to vote?
-How do I know who to vote for?
-Where does my vote actually go?
-What is voting?
-What makes sweet potatoes so much better than regular potatoes?
-Is Rugby like a mix of Football and Soccer?
-Nipple clamps?
The answers to all those questions are, of course: A voting station, with a registration form, whoever your parents voted for, a complex system of levers and pulleys, a concept used to give you the illusion of choice, sugar instead of starch, yes, and hell yes.
But for those of you who are still confused, here is The Covered Wagon’s quick guide to voting for Millennials:
1. First you’re going to have to find out where you’re supposed to vote from. Yes, this is the Internet age and the government is tracking your every movement constantly, but we hold on to this outdated poll-based system because it’s the easiest way to suppress the votes of minorities and young people, like so:
“Oh, you go to college in another state, too bad! Guess you get no say in who creates the laws that affect the area in which you live.”
“Oh, you don’t speak English, bummer, I guess you can’t fill out this registration form or read this ballot at all. Too bad, we did all we could.”
2. Don’t forget to bring your ID, or else they’re going to think you’re a terrorist trying to overthrow the government by voting Independent.
3. Maintain eye contact with the old person running the voting station to show them you are not afraid of them. If this doesn’t work, stretch out your shirt to make yourself appear larger. If this still doesn’t scare them off, curl up in the fetal position and play dead until they leave.
4. If you’re not sure who to cast your vote for, just use the eenie-meenie-miney-mo method. We’re pretty sure this is how Mary Fallin got elected the first time.
5. Whatever you do, don’t go to the bathroom in your pants. Evacuate all bodily waste into the nearest toilet or urinal facilities. Pooping in your pants or in the voting booth will make your vote null and void thanks to the 2010 Supreme Court decision “Al Roker v. United States.”
We hope you found these voting tips helpful! And if you vote Republican, don’t forget to commit your eternal soul to the Blood God Rah by sacrificing a goat and feasting on its still-beating heart.
