This column is part of The Daily's traditional column exchange with The Daily Texan ahead of OU-Texas. This is satirical and for entertainment purposes only. You can read The Daily Texan’s column by visiting thedailytexan.com.
Let’s address the obvious. The Big 12’s two most successful, money-making schools are going to the Southeastern Conference. In this historic move, the SEC gains Oklahoma, the Big 12’s perennial conqueror, and Texas, the conference’s perennial doormat.
They’ve each taken a crack at a future SEC opponent in the last year — though OU was, as always, first up. Both experiences were… different.
In a Cotton Bowl clean-up, the Sooners hung half-a-hundred and harshly grounded the Gators. The Longhorns, well… at least you have one thing in common with Shakira — your trip to SEC country saw you mercilessly mugged by feral hogs. Now if only you’d take a cue from the Latin superstar’s hips and end all the lies about “BeInG BaCk.” Not the follow-up performance the Horns had in mind, we’d imagine.
While it’s clearly in both programs’ best interest to bolt from a conference whose commissioner thinks 11 a.m. is primetime, it’s also obvious you’re only doing it because OU did it first. Hell, when’s the last time Texas did anything original?
UT only renovated its south end zone in a stadium named for a Sooner after watching Oklahoma better its own. We only wish you completely copied OU and made your renovations look like actual improvements. You know what we mean.
Even your last “great” quarterback and golden-child Sam Ehlinger is a poor man’s Tim Tebow. To replace him, you had to kidnap Oklahoma-native Casey Thompson, whose father and brother were Sooners, forcing him to throw Horns Up against his will.
And didn’t you just hire Steve Sarkisian because he’s the bargain bin reproduction of Lincoln Riley? Or was he brought in just to uphold the 2.89 GPA standard set by your former savior Tom Herman? Speaking of whom, was it his genius idea for Chicago to not immediately play Justin Fields this season? That’s our guess.
After all, it looks like it’s a Texas tradition to bench your better players. Let’s not forget Sark decided to roll out some dude named Hudson Card over a guy who tossed four touchdowns in UT’s annual Alamo Bowl appearance. Congrats on that victory, though. A win over former Big 12-opponent Colorado is something to be proud of — if it’s 2003.
You also had to steal from little brother Texas Tech to find your next basketball coach, Chris Beard. Pretty soon, he’ll be bald just like Shaka Smart from the stress of keeping his players academically eligible. If the football team has enough qualified bodies Saturday, maybe this can be a competitive match.
It’s been 20 years since Roy Williams’ Superman hit on Chris Simms, but Nik Bonitto will still suplex Thompson back into his childhood bedroom, where his dad waits to scold him for crossing the Red River.
Matthew McConaughey might even spare a few cents for a movie about it. He won’t be very invested in the rest of the game, as Spencer Rattler fuels a Sooners route that sees Caleb Williams — OU’s newest Superman — take over by the third quarter.
Once that happens, you’ll begin wondering if it’s really a good idea to follow Oklahoma’s lead to the best conference in football. But don’t worry, it’s not too late to change your mind. We hear the AAC has some openings.
See y’all in Dallas.