As someone who has not struggled with depression, it is easy to get frustrated with someone who does, wanting them to just be OK and function normally.
Especially when that person is your mom.
Growing up with a mom who has bipolar disorder is not easy. Bipolar disorder is characterized by alternating periods of depression and elation, with each period lasting unpredictable amounts of time and changing suddenly.
As my two older siblings grew up and discovered their own struggles with depression, they became more sympathetic to my mom’s situation. They learned the depth of her pain on the days she is feeling down and why it was not just a choice about whether or not she was happy.
I learned to understand it too, but it took more time. Trial and error became my friend as I went back and forth between being sympathetic for my mom’s situation and being frustrated that she could not give me more of herself at times, and I found ways to love and support her through her pain.
Last year my sister told our family that she was dropping out of college and entering a residential facility that would help her heal and work through her own struggle with depression and anxiety. Instead of getting mad, I asked her what I could do to make things easier for her.
As someone who has not faced depression, it is possible and very necessary to build up and support loved ones who do.
Being an advocate for loved ones who struggle with depression is understanding. Depression is not a choice, it is complicated and ignores all other circumstances. There is not a happy switch that can be fixed to make someone feel better.
Learn to recognize how your loved ones react when they’re having a particularly hard time. Talk to them and try to understand how depression affects them and what they want from others. Some people may want to be alone and others may want more interaction, but this can help you to learn the best way to support them.
Be patient. You may want to pass judgment, impatience and tough love, but these will not heal the effects of the depression. When you recognize your loved one is having a hard time, find ways to build them up. I try to leave my mom notes and send her occasional texts telling her I love her and asking how she’s doing.
Since I have learned to communicate better with my mom about her struggles, she has become more willing to talk to me about them. That has led to both us of having a better understanding of how to support each other.
