Thank you, Texas.
Ever since 2009, Texas has collapsed on and off the field, allowing OU to rack up nearly more Big 12 championships than the entire conference combined.
X's and O's aside, can we all agree that Tom Herman’s obsession with hydration by monitoring his players’ pee color every 10 minutes is a little weird?? We know nearly everything that happens at Texas is broadcast live to the 37 people who watch the Longhorn Network, but this feels a bit excessive.
Alright, alright, alright. Texas looks to be on the upswing. Nothing says offensive explosion like scoring 17 points against Iowa State — actually, wait, how did you guys do that against the Cyclones? Asking for a friend. Also, do you know anyone in need of a defensive coordinator? Ours is … well, you remember the 2015 Red River rivalry.
Say what you will about Oklahoma losing to Iowa State in football — we haven’t been this embarrassed over a loss since Clemson beat us in the College Football Playoff two seasons ago. You remember what it’s like to be in contention for a national title, right?
Let’s be honest, Texas is better than Oklahoma in one aspect of life. Do you know how awful it is to lose to Iowa State on a Saturday and not have liquor stores open on Sunday? Thankfully the game ended by 2:30 p.m., giving us enough time to stock up on booze to get through the weekend.
Oh, speaking of 2:30 p.m., can you believe this year’s kickoff time? Last time our two teams played mid-afternoon was in 2010. You all remember that game, right? Man, do we miss Mack Brown. Is it cool knowing your former head coach is now the face of ESPN’s play-by-play D-team? I guess not much has changed with good ole Mack.
Seems like you all in Austin are changing up your image. Spending $10,000 a piece on football lockers seems like a better investment than a coach who lost to UConn, Memphis and Navy.
The Longhorns’ “boy wonder” coach immediately fulfilled his potential by losing to Maryland, a team which no conference wants to claim.
The Fayetteville, Arkansas police officer did a better job of tackling Baker Mayfield than your Division III defense did last season, and we even spotted you 40 points.
Once again, you told us “Texas is BACK!” but then again you failed miserably, losing at home in your season opener to a Maryland team that got beat by 50 by Ohio State — whom, let me remind you, we beat.
Kansas… Never mind. We’ll let you read to the end.
Also, on that note, did you know that Charlie Strong is undefeated? Seriously, the only place that man couldn’t succeed was in Austin. Maybe that “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup of yours actually was Texas’ fault.
Nice job with your moral victory against USC. Just put it in your trophy case next to the national championship trophy you would have won if Colt McCoy didn’t get injured.
Sorry, too soon?
Anyway, we’re looking forward to another game at the Cotton Bowl. It’s always our favorite trip of the year. Just promise us you won’t make Baker apologize for planting the flag at midfield, OK? We don’t know why it’d be a problem — we’ve done it 11 times in the past 17 years.
Sincerely, the University of Oklahoma.
P.S. Now that you’ve gotten this far read the first letter of each paragraph.
This column is part of The Daily's traditional column exchange with The Daily Texan. You can read theirs here.