It’s not your fault.
Some say the “university” in Norman is simply a victim of its own circumstance. In reality, y’all might have an education worth paying for if the money spent bribing your players went toward a respectable salary for your teachers.
But we’re not here to talk about the 77.6 percent acceptance rate at your community college, or how all of you had to settle for your second-choice school. Let’s focus on the game.
The good news is that we hear there is a pretty talented football team up there. The only problem is that we can’t find any national titles to account for it. Baker Mayfield seemingly beat everybody, except Georgia and the Fayetteville Police Department.
Speaking of first-round exits, congratulations to the Oklahoma City Thunder on permanently landing a second star player to play alongside Russell Westbrook. It worked out so well the first time. It’s a shame y’all now have to watch a former Longhorn do what nobody in the state has figured out how to do since 2000: win when it counts.
But back to Mayfield. We here at UT are actually are fond of the crotch-grabbing Longhorn wannabe. Do we regret not recruiting Baker? Maybe. Actually, yes.
Seriously, if Baker was given the opportunity to stay in Austin, the Longhorns might not have gone 5–7 in back-to-back years, or lose to … y’all know. We actually beat Kansas in a 42-27 barn burner last year, so by rule, the jokes have to stop. Right?
Let’s get back on track. Although Mayfield may be old news, he perfectly sums up what it means to be a Sooner, owning Oklahoma’s role as the middle child of the South.
We saw what the video department at The OU Daily put out the other day of Baker saying, “You come to OU to beat Texas.” I guess that’s what happens when you put dozens of Texans who weren’t picked to wear burnt orange, and place an “OU” sticker on their helmets.
We don’t really want to talk about the Kyler Murray kid. He can’t show up to practice on time, and he’s leaving Norman faster than Lincoln Riley’s hairline. That’s it. We have to admit, though, he looked pretty good against local community colleges and the rest of the teams on the schedule this season.
The person we want to talk about is whoever is in charge of the O-Who band. We aren’t sure how much bribing still goes on up there, but we have a deal y’all can’t refuse.
We are willing to put forth the money to bribe members of the Longhorn Band over to your school in order to teach the Sooner “band” literally any song other than Boomer Sooner.
At the end of the day, though, it’s all love. We will always treat y’all with more respect than the folks in College Station. As for the game, we’re excited the Red River Showdown matters again. Sorry we went MIA for a few years, but the word on the street is Texas is back.
It looks like we’re out of time. If y’all will excuse us, we are busy trying to make deadline for our daily publication, not that y’all know anything about printing a newspaper five times a week.
We know it’s hard, but try and keep up.