SATIRE: Radical evangelist converts local man
Breaking news: bigoted street preacher converts random passers-by
Norman, OK – Earlier today, a local man was converted to an evangelical Christian sect which supports strict Biblical literalism while walking back to work after his lunch break. This news comes at a critical time for religion in America with congregations declining among Protestant denominations across the nation.
Maybe that’s why no one was more surprised than local fanatical bigot and street-corner preacher Abraham Jenkins. “At first I was a little shocked,” said Jenkins. “This hadn’t ever happened before, and I wasn’t sure what to do. So, I let him hold my sign.”
The sign, which reads “All sinners will burn in Hell” on one side and has a picture of a late-term abortion on the other, is a familiar sight in the community where Jenkins protests Western civilization and spouts borderline hate-speech six days a week.
Roscoe Kneibard wasn’t planning on having his life changed today, either. “I was just going back to work when I walked past this guy who was yelling at everyone,” said Kneibard, who only moved into the area a few weeks ago. “I could tell that it was something really important because he had this super intense look in his eyes.”
That intense glare and maniacal hollering prompted Kneibard to stop and listen. Within minutes of his first encounter with Jenkins, he was transformed by his message.
“I guess I just didn’t realize that everyone was going straight to hell. I also didn’t realize that I had bought a condo right in the middle of a den of iniquity and shame,” lamented Kneibard. “I asked if I could help warn everybody, and he handed me this really neat reversible sign.”
Kneibard spent the rest of the day screaming at passers-by, waving his new sign dangerously close to people’s heads and listening to Jenkins preach.
“How do people not know about this stuff?” Kneibard asked our field reporters with honest confusion. “The message just seems so simple to understand. Like, earlier today, when I screamed ‘all fags will writhe in a lake of fire for eternity’ at this woman and her kids, I could tell by the look on her face she was scared and obviously hadn’t realized how serious this is. She grabbed her kids and hurried off, probably to warn others.”
Kneibard says he plans to quit his job as a software designer and join Jenkins in building his sidewalk congregation full time.
“The holy spirit is strong with the kid,” said Jenkins of Kneibard. “I couldn’t have asked for a more dedicated, intelligent, passionate, serious, statuesque disciple with pretty green eyes. Today was a good day for bringing a beautiful soul home. Home to the Lord, I mean.”
Trent Cason is a literature and cultural studies senior.