COLUMN: Who would win a global battle to the death — Muggles or wizards?

A handful of questions have dominated the history of humankind. Where did we come from? What is our purpose? What is truth?

Now, a new generation of thinkers debates a more relevant and timely topic: Who would win in a global battle to the death — Muggles or wizards?

In the light of the recent Hunger Games phenomenon, this discussion is more heated than ever. Anyone not fascinated by the prospect of global gladiatorial blood battles to the death is a total freak. Fact.

For this discussion, we assume that all wizards band together to fight all Muggles, who also are united. The last team standing wins.

There are three distinct types of people when it comes to this glorious discussion. First are the obvious trolls who only attempt to sabotage the entire debate.

“What do you mean wizards versus Muggles? Aren't you forgetting something? Argus Filch and Arabella Figg would own everyone. Squibs FTW.”

These trolls should not be trusted nor tolerated. Ignore them at all costs.

The second type of person is the brainless Potternut (or is it Potterknut?) who immediately says, “Wizards = magic = pwnage of Muggles.” These self-hating Muggles do not deserve your respect. They have neither the intellect nor the true passion to debate this important issue.

The third type of person responds, “Hmmm, both sides have their pros and cons. I'll need to weigh both sides before I come to a reasonable conclusion.”

I will assume that all readers of The Daily fall into this third category. Excellent!

Yes, Muggles are, in a way, more primitive, but I think we should give our hypothetical non-wizards a fighting chance. They can't apparate, but they've invented cars and trains and airplanes. This proves their resourcefulness. And, at the very least, there are a lot of them, rather like orcs in Middle-earth.

For some, magic is the be-all, end-all and an unbeatable attack to whatever weapon the Muggles choose, be it guns or nuclear weapons. In reality, though, magic does have its limits. Hermione mentions in Deathly Hallows that magic cannot create something from nothing, for example. Apparently, magic does loosely follow the laws of physics, so I wonder if nuclear power could win out against magic. It is certainly possible.

All in all, both sides are nearly equal when it comes to weaponry. Wizards have the Avada Kedavra curse, but Muggles have guns. Wizards have unplottable territory, while Muggles have deep underground bunkers. Wizards may contain unspeakable weapons in the Department of Mysteries, but just think what technologies our own Muggle governments must keep secret. And from what I can tell, wizards have as much knowledge of science as Muggles do of magic (zilch). After all, Mr. Weasley, who is fascinated by Muggles, doesn't seem to understand the function of a rubber duck.

After examining the issue this far, I lean slightly toward Muggles for the win. Their technologies seem nearly equal to that of the wizards, especially for those who acknowledge the shortcomings of magic.

That is, until I realize I am forgetting a huge factor of the equation.

I seemed to only be including the wizards themselves in the United Kingdom and around the world when I considered this matchup. What I had forgotten was the power of magical creatures that wizards can harness.

For some reason, the sight of dragons soaring through the sky, colliding in midair with a Muggle fighter plane, and subsequently attempting to crush the machine inspires me. The whole idea is much more heroic. Maybe because the image paints the wizards as underdogs?

Another key weapon: Dementors. I don't think even the most ingenious Muggles could discover a technology that would prevent their souls from being obliterated. The likelihood of victory seems to be in favor of the wizards.

By this point in the discussion, I am greatly disappointed. I always root for the underdog, and I feel like the poor Muggles were at a disadvantage from the beginning.

A few nights ago, as I am discussing the matter with my brother, I propose that a few Muggles could just travel on a rocket into space and nuke the Earth 10 times over, securing victory.

“But that would kill all the other Muggles, too,” he pointed out.

“But there are Muggles in space now, so they win because they're the last ones left. Everyone else dies.”

“That's brutal.”

“Call me a Slytherin, but all I care about is winning.”

“Well, the wizards could just hide underneath Gringotts. It goes for miles underground.”

“What are you talking about? Who says it goes miles underground?”

“It does. And we haven't even mentioned Horcruxes...”

“You did not just bring up Horcruxes.”

As you can see, this debate is far from over. If you're a Muggle, please join the discussion below. If you're a wizard, attend Muggle Studies class at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for a few years, learn how to use a what we Muggles call a “keyboard,” and then return to type your response.

Tom Rains is a Spanish senior.

Tom Rains

Tom is a former staff member of The Oklahoma Daily who worked as Opinion Columnist.