In the spirit of March Madness, here’s something to do: a bracket of terrible band names.
I’ve divided the names of 64 bands into four regions based on characteristics that band name possesses.
I’ve picked a winner from each region to advance to the “Failure Four,” and then matched up those regional champions to pick an overall winner.
ALMOST CLEVER REGION
These bands have stupid names, but at least they make an effort to use some thought. Puns and pop-culture references abound in this region. Dangermuffin gives off a sense that the band couldn’t take itself seriously if it tried, which carries the band past The Mr. T Experience and the Diet Cokeheads. On the other half of the region, a battle of ’90s references ensues in the “Sweet Sixteen” with OJ And The Broncos holding off Jackie And The Treehorns, an affectionate reference to “The Big Lebowski.” Ultimately, Dangermuffin survives and advances out of the “Almost Clever” region.
1 Dangermuffin vs. 16 St8 of Grace
8 The Mr. T Experience vs. 9 Delorean Grey
4 Diet Cokeheads vs, 13 The Kevin Costner Suicide Pact
5 A Wilhelm Scream vs. 12 Really Annoying When Repeated
6 Feng Shui Ninjas vs. 11 Thesaurus Rex
3 OJ and The Broncos vs. 14 The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza
7 Test Icicles vs. 10 Sex Unicorn
2 Jackie and the Treehorns vs. 15 Noah's Ark Was a Spaceship
"BADASS" Region
This part of the bracket has names that mostly sound like knock-off metal bands. In their attempts to be angry and threatening, they just come off as absurd. Bloodbath and Beyond, the No. 1 seed, sounds definitively “metal,” but Kill You In The Face bludgeons and stabs its way to an upset in the “Sweet Sixteen.” The bottom half of the “Badass Region” has a strong contender in The Electric Assholes, and it makes it to the “Elite Eight,” but Kill You In The Face is too absurdly violent to be taken seriously, which is getting it through to the “Failure Four.”
1 Bloodbath and Beyond vs. 16 Rumplestiltskin Grinder
8 Misanthropical Rainforest vs. 9 Necro Hippies
4 Kill You In The Face vs. 13...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead
5 Lightning Swords of Death vs. 12 Shallow Grave Satanic Symphony
6 The Electric Assholes vs. 11 Diggin' Up Grandpa
3 40 Oz. Fist vs. 14 Bastard Children Death Cult
7 This Town Needs Guns vs. 10 World Burns To Death
2 Where Fear and Weapons Meet vs. 15 This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb
WORD SALAD REGION
Members of these bands probably just came up with random words and jammed them together. In lieu of creativity, they jammed gibberish together, trying to make something interesting. This region has a time agreement issue with Everybody Was In The French Resistance... Now!, as well as liberal use of the letter “z,” thanks to Blooz Dogz and Grrlz Will Be Boiz. There are some bands in here with correct, albeit nonsensical grammar, notably from the 7-10 match between Bird Ate My Donut and Neutral Milk Hotel, but Sophistafunk is exemplary of the lunacy that this competition represents and busts its way to the “Failure Four.”
1 Archers of Loaf vs. 16 Regardless, He's Caught!
8 Unicorn Basement vs. 9 Man/Ass
4 The Dirty Marmaduke Flute Squad vs. 13 Grrlz Will Be Boiz
5 Meatbikini vs. 12 The Booty Movement Coalition
6 Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now! vs. 11 Hellogoodbye
3 Chumbawumba vs. 14 Blooz Dogs
7 Bird Ate My Donut vs. 10 Neutral Milk Hotel
2 Sophistafunk vs. 15 The Trendy Trendy Space Vegans
MISCELLANEOUS REGION
There’s really no clear way to define these groups, they were just leftover from the other regions, or didn’t really fit with any of them. This region is actually one of the strongest regions in the bracket, thanks to the sheer lack of rhyme or reason to it. Punctuation can apparently count as a band name, as !!!, #Poundsign# and :wumpscut: can attest to. Of Montreal — headliner of last year’s Norman Music Festival — makes an appearance here against No Use For A Name, a band too metal to compete against Woo-Man And The Banana, which goes on to take care of !!! to take the “Failure Four’s” final spot.
1 Nuke The Soup vs. 16 You, You're Awesome
8 Somehow Hollow vs. 9 #Poundsign#
4 Woo-Man And The Banana vs. 13 Mr. Mister
5 No Use For A Name vs. 12 Of Montreal
6 Butthole Surfers vs. 11 You Might Think We're Sharks
3 !!! vs. 14 This Magazine Is Haunted
7 I Can Hear Myself Levitate vs. 10 Pink Gorilla VS. Panda Bear
2 :wumpscut: vs. 15 The The
FAILURE FOUR
These four bands have fought to make their names as stupid as possible, and earned their spots in the Failure Four.
In the first semifinal, Dangermuffin saves “face” and dispatches its “badass” opponent. In the second semifinal, Woo-Man And The Banana can’t stop the funk, and Sophistafunk makes its way to the finals.
The match of the century is on: Dangermuffin and Sophistafunk, with the title on the line. I’d predict a hard, drawn out fight between these two “masters” of creative naming, but in the end, Sophistafunk is too much for even Dangermuffin to overcome.
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Vegan1 7 months, 2 weeks ago
In light of the findings of our last mass rectal examination of residents in Earth-zone 4524I, known locally by the non-sensical name of "Oklahoma", we have determined that the human population in this sector lack the intellectual faculties and fashion sensibilities that are necessary to fully comprehend a display by our illustrious intergalactic musical group, The Trendy Trendy Space Vegans. All requests for appeal must be hand delivered to the Space Booking Superintendent. Dress code requires tightest pants available.
tristantzara 1 year, 1 month ago
Who won the 7 Bird Ate My Donut vs. 10 Neutral Milk Hotel showdown?
Sami 1 year ago
They say all press is good press as long as they spell your name right, and with a name like ours that isn't easy. So first and foremost, thanks for the press. I like your "word salad" theory. It's funny. It's snarky, but then again so am I. The truth of the matter is, we're all women over 30, two of us with kids. When the drummer, Mel and I decided to start this project 3 years ago, we thought that people might think it was a little nuts for women of our age to quit our jobs, pick up instruments and start a band. Mel pointed out that in Austin, where we live, men do it all the time, but people write off a lot of what men do by simply saying "boys will be boys." I replied, "well then, girls will be boys too." Immediately Mel thought that would make a good band name. We decided on the riot grrl spelling to let people know this was a rock and roll project not pop music or folk music like we're used to hearing from a lot of women. The boi spelling lets people know we're gay. That way if there might be problems from the beginning with people accepting that, we know and we can avoid it. If we put an "s" on the end of "boi" it looks French, like "bwah" so we went with a z and put the z on grrl for uniformity. The worst we thought would happen is that people would think it was homage to The Kinks; "girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world." So there you have it. Far from being random "word salad" an awful LOT of thought went into our name. But the article is hilarious and we appreciate the mention. We have a decent OK fan base. ~CIAO Sami (lead singer/rhythm guitar GWbB)