Back to school already, eh? Well, young ‘uns, gather ‘round and hear a fair dose of folksy wisdom from a recent graduate. That diploma confers absolute knowledge and wisdom, you know, so you’d best listen to my sage advice.

Now that summer vacation is over it’s time to stop doing reckless, irresponsible things at home and start doing them on campus in Norman. Or OKC! Hurrah for the med school students with their student loans and actual careers! An English major salutes you!

I do not recommend the doing of reckless, irresponsible things, but it will happen anyways. I still recall fondly the day I saw four outstanding future professionals hot-boxing marijuana in the phone booth in front of Dale Hall.

All college students should see such things — where else could one get anecdotes for back-to-school columns?

In fact, a big shout-out to all those people who make campus life so interesting! Here’s to you, half-naked drunken couple! Express your passions! Amuse us all! And to you as well, person-who-blasts-bad-music-out-his-Cate-Center-window!

Without you and so many others my OU experience would have been much the poorer.

Remember: ‘tis better to see than to be. This rule served me well, and as a result I never had a drunken make-out session in the grass. Wait a minute…

Regardless, be good, responsible students. Swear not at the squirrel, who pelts you with acorns from above as you haul textbooks 30 times his weight. Envy not his freedom from deadlines, his frolicsome lifestyle. It can get really depressing if you do.

And speaking of wildlife, skunks hang out in the bushes at the southeast corner of the Law College, so you might want to find another way to Traditions East. Just a heads-up. They’re still waiting for their letters of admission.

You can do the same! To all ye newly minted seniors, take the GRE and apply for graduate school. All the soul-rending uncertainty of the undergraduate application process can be yours again, complete with standardized testing!

Why venture forth boldly into the real world? It’s scary out there. The academics may be tough, but no tougher than the job market…

For either a decent job or a decent graduate school (no, University of Phoenix, thank you) you’ll need a good GPA. For many of the seniors out there, it’s too late! But you freshmen and sophomores out there have a chance to make that little number closer to a 4.0 than not. If your life is going to be determined by a statistic (joy!) it may as well be a good one.

Once the whole four-, five-, or six-year ordeal is over, you’ll be glad you attended OU. President David Boren has the clout to bring in some great speakers for graduation — my class got the sitting United States Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Not too shabby. Forge ahead one and all, Sooners! An unknown person of likely importance is waiting to say how proud he or she is of you!

Oh, and no matter what you do, you will never get the fight song out of your head.

Never.

— Keith Anderson, English graduate student