Editor’s Note: Redbox machines are full of terrible B-movies. You know it. I know it. Each week, a brave Daily staffer will take the plunge and watch one of them so you don’t have to.

After viewing this latest Redbox disaster, I sat in shock for a few minutes before preparing to write my review.

I honestly didn’t know where to start.

Opening up my Word document, I realized that I didn’t even know the title of the movie/waste-of- 90-minutes that I subjected myself and an angel of a friend to. A quick Google search of “boring 2009 movie that was supposed to be about volcanoes but definitely wasn’t” led me to the Wikipedia page for the movie “Under the Mountain.”

Throughout “Under the Mountain,” I was repeatedly confused by the film’s seemingly purposeful vagueness, questioning not only the plot and characters, but also my own will to live.

Apparently the plot was something like this: Two twins, Theo and Rachel, who appear to share some sort of mental twin connection, are sent to live with their aunt and uncle after their parents die. They find a creepy house owned by a guy named Wilberforce, who apparently multiplies into many, many creepy Wilberforces because he is evil.

Then Mr. Jones, a fire alien, comes along and tells the twins — dramatic pause — they are the only ones who can defeat the Wilberforces, who are also apparently aliens bent on taking over the world.

Did I use the word “apparently” enough in that paragraph? Honestly, I’m not sure.

Unfortunately, I did not pick up on this alleged “plot” at all during the movie. I instead spent the first hour trying to figure out these people’s names and how they were all related. My friend and I argued:

“Is that the sister? And the brother is hooking up with the girl in the car?”

“No, wait, that’s the cousin.”

“The cousin’s name is Theo?”

“No, the brother’s name is Theo!”

My brain promptly exploded, which was good because it spared me from actually processing the truly terrible special effects that dominated the end of the movie.

My parting comments are these: When you are awkwardly standing outside of a Redbox machine on a cold Saturday night, don’t pick “Under the Mountain” just because the cover art looks kind of cool and you think, “Ooh, the tagline says something about volcanoes. Disaster movie time!”

Go with something more intellectually stimulating, like “Stomp the Yard 2.”

You’ll thank me later.