Thanksgiving is almost here — the holiday you only understood after taking U.S. history, and even then, you still get confused as to why it’s legal to celebrate it.

But like most inherently American things, we have found a way to drink, spend and profit our way out of any significance this holiday could have ever had.

Though we only get about three days off of school, you would be surprised how much you can get done in a long weekend. Something about time-managing my social life really puts me in that seasonal spirit.

What will help you navigate your total domination of this festive time?

The ultimate turkey weekend checklist.

Make a relative cry

Stay away from your mom though, because chances are, she is near sharp utensils and hot pans. Go for an obnoxious aunt or cousin. Their views about media are wrong, and that is because they are ignorant. It is your job to tell them that.

Grandparents are another option, because they will never remember it happening and will still slip you $20 before you leave.

Make out with an old high school classmate

All of those nerds totally got hot and totally got you three shots of Rumplemintz. Think of all the people you get to text about this. Note: Do not give him/her your number, because you will be back again for Christmas and trust me, this is a one-time deal.

Participate in Black Friday

Head to Target/Best Buy/Amini’s Galleria and load up a cart of Harry Potter-themed Bratz dolls/pink Xbox Kinects/OU foosball tables, and then hide all of it in the family-sized bathrooms in the back of the store. Suck on that, capitalists!

Give your siblings — younger and older — golden nuggets of advice

Feel free to betray them later on in the weekend when you join your mom in a full-fledged attack on their weight-gain issues.

Pilfer baked goods and devour them later, alone

Buy a movie on your parent’s cable box while you do this, and make sure it is one you could easily pin on your brother’s girlfriend if your father asks you about the mysterious charge. “What? I hate anything with Anne Hathaway, Dad!”

Fabricate an elaborate lie about post-graduate plans

Utilize buzzwords like “networking,” “cover letter” and “this economy.”

I once told my uncle that I had an interview at Dunder Mifflin and he raised his eyebrows with intrigued approval.

Make a pathetic attempt at fitting into your prom dress or your sister’s prom dress

College is the time for experimentation.

Take a nap with the family dog or cat

Hell, take five naps and blame it on the cuteness of the animal.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

— Caitlin Turner, letters senior