You did it. You really did it. You voted for bread.

This is about the abortion columns isn’t it? I know. I know. We overdid it. And believe me, most of us are pretty upset about it too. But only you, our readers, in your abundance of wisdom, could have come up with such a twisted example of poetic justice.

When the results came in, I sat there in abject horror trying to figure out what this meant. And then it hit me: this was revenge. It was the only thing that made sense. I and my fellow writers, were being punished. We’d sinned against our loyal audience, and were now facing retribution.

With this new knowledge, I had to ask myself what could possibly drive our esteemed readers to this act of revenge? What could we have done to warrant such torture? The answer was evident in the very premise of the poll. It was all those abortion columns last semester! We knew it was getting ridiculous, we knew nothing good could come of it, but we couldn’t stop. And now, we’re paying the price.

Because you’re getting what you wished for, oh wise readership. Starting the day we get back from spring break, we’re running at least one column about bread a day for a week. I hope you’re happy now. You got exactly what you wanted.

But just know, I’m on to you. I’ve figured out your little plot. You chose bread just to torment us. Come to think of it, how did bread even get on the poll? I mean, why would the opinion editor let that topic get through?

Oh. My. God. You got to him, didn’t you? The opinion editor must be in on this. It’s the only possible explanation — a conspiracy. I wonder how high up this goes. Did you get to Boren too?

For those of you who voted for other topics, those of you who aren’t in on the plot, don’t let them suck you in. We’re in this together. I know the opinion writers have messed up in the past, but have some compassion. We’re trying to atone.

And for those of you in Operation: Torture the Columnists, you win this round. But beware. Now that I’ve exposed your motives, we’ll be watching. We know all about your little plot, and all about our editor’s involvement. And, next time, we’ll be ready for you.

Until then, I suppose I can just be happy that you didn’t vote for abortion.