With all of the recent news about earthquakes causing destruction and devastation around the world, it’s easy to forget about the natural disasters happening in our own backyard, our own state. More importantly, it is easy not to notice the attempts of our dear Lord to send the Infant Jesus of Prague, Oklahoma back to the depths of hell. That’s right. There has been divine intervention in our very own state.
On Saturday afternoon, a 4.4 magnitude earthquake struck central Oklahoma, with the epicenter a mere three miles from Prague. For those not aware, inside the town of Prague, within a small church, sits the Shrine of the Infant Jesus in Prague. This small idol has rested on top a shrine within this church for more than 60 years, exerting his influence to corrupt the minds of our youth all of this time.
Natural disasters, or divine intervention, are blessings to us all. These disasters are evidence of a supernatural power working through this world. Every earthquake, tsunami or hailstone is a little piece of heaven flexing its muscles and showing its wrath. This is how we see the evidence of God. Through the punishment of the wicked — through “natural disasters.”
The Infant Jesus’ power and influence have now been put in check, by the 4.4 earthquake that shook our lands. No more will he be able to sit on this chair in Prague, corrupting the minds of our youth. His dozens of handcrafted costumes will no longer conceal his true nature from us. His fountain of holy water on tap has been tainted. We have seen the truth. We know why this earthquake struck.
Infant Jesus is dangerous because, unlike us, he wants beyond what he needs. He owns dozens of sets of clothing while we only own what is necessary to sustain us. As Infant Jesus says, “The more you honor me, the more I will bless you.” Luckily for us, our treatment of others is independent of their treatment of us.
Finally, all should see it is not because of tectonic plates that the earth shakes. Geological excuses, like tectonic plates, are nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Only the wrath of those above is capable of such destruction. It is merely coincidental that California earthquakes occur above the San Andreas fault line or that Japan sits upon a stretch of the ring of fire. There is one true cause of the massive amounts of earthquakes. It is the deplorable, liberal nature of California’s populace and the lunacy of Zen Buddhism and Shinto religion of the Japanese people. Their immorality is the cause.
I believe each and every one of us, living in Oklahoma, has experienced at least one hail-containing thunderstorm. Perhaps these hailstones even damaged your car or home. You may have even thought it unfortunate and unlucky that such a thing happened to you. LIES, I TELL YOU! LIES! The true cause was your wicked automotive idolatry and dwelling fetishes.
Have you ever been walking on the sidewalk, only to be soaked by a tidal wave of muddy water caused by a passing car hitting a puddle? Well I tell you now; it was because of your immorality the night before or your self-righteousness for not driving a car like everyone else.
I believe most among us have been cursed with fire upon the skin, commonly called a sunburn. The normal assumption is to think it was caused by a lack of sunscreen or too much exposure to that burning star’s rays, but it is really the hand of God. It is because you were at the beach scantily clad. How simply these smoke and mirrors are able to deceive. It was your impure thoughts and actions that brought about your singeing skin.
You, Normanites, must heed my warnings. If you do not change your ways, you shall be next. The forces of nature have a personality, they have a spirit of vengeance and this will be directed at you if you do not change your ways. This is the way of an omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent being — to smite you dirty sinners.
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ston9794 2 years, 2 months ago
This is good satire... until you realize that a lot of people actually believe this stuff, and then it's just depressing.
FranklinGee 2 years, 2 months ago
Giving your opinion is easy, but writing comedy is hard. John, you need to stick with what's easy.
Lansdallius 2 years, 2 months ago
Obvious troll is obvious.
jssooner4 2 years, 2 months ago
Why was this even published? If you want to know why an earthquake happens, you should take a geology class, a chemistry class, and a physics class. At the end of taking those classes you will then ACTUALLY know what causes earthquakes. A meteorology class should explain why hailstorms and thunderstorms occur. I think you are seeing a trend here.
Chris_Robertson 2 years, 2 months ago
John,
Shame on you for using natural disasters to mock other people's religion. I understand that there are certain fundamentalists out there that have also capitalized on the recent earthquakes to spread their message of fire and brimstone, but your commentary comes off as snide and condescending to religion as a whole. While I'm a skeptic myself, I would hate to be seen as another smug atheist.
Regards, Chris Robertson
William 2 years, 2 months ago
So true. Everyone who has ever died in a tsunami or tornado or hurricane or earthquake has deserved it. It is a population's transgressions that articulate each and every disaster. Shame on them for bringing harm upon themselves. I hope all the debauchery was worth it, sinners.
Kris 2 years, 2 months ago
LOL! You've got to be freaking kidding me!
What a riot. I hope this is a joke about religion and science.
If not, you really need some education. I too believe in God, but I also believe in nature because I've studied science and physics.
BillTiborn 2 years, 2 months ago
Tough to tell what you are serious about and what you are poking fun at. But I can help anyone with sunburn. It is always best to avoid sunburn if at all possible! However, I have a very light complexion and struggle with sunburns a lot. Fortunately, I found an all-natural product called Regen. It took the pain out of the sunburn and stopped the blistering and peeling! Turns that burn into a great tan! It has saved many a vacation for my family and does not even sting if it gets into your eyes. You should see this: http://blog.oli-co.com/?p=561. You do not have to let sunburn get you down. By the way, if you are already blistering, use it anyway because it keeps your skin from itching! If you are not satisfied, they even give your money back!
Kris 2 years, 2 months ago
Fundamentalists like you make a bad name for all Christians, it is highly embarrassing. I don't know where you get off saying these nasty things. Jesus Christ always preached compassion for others no matter what the circumstance-- for the prostitutes to the tax collectors that were shunned by society. Instead of actually going word by word in the Bible (which by the way was translated from languages such as Greek, missing key word connotations)why can't you go by Jesus' actions, you seem to be missing HIS key messages. People are not killed by God. The people left from these quakes suffer and to have you say their suffering is somehow "deserved" is just disgusting,abhorent, selfish,Heartless, non-compassionate, it IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT JESUS WOULD DO. So instead of focusing on how people are damned, why don't you go help them like Jesus would and stop your damned to hell speech. You are clearing lacking in science education.