Well tickle my tinsel! You’re done with finals and so are your friends. Before those painfully disappointing grades come in, take a moment to celebrate another successful semester of pretending to take notes while clicking through textsfromlastnight.com.
Whether you’re black, white or sparkly; Jewish, atheist or mildly satanic, ‘tis the season for smothering your home in red and green and referring to whiskey in your egg nog as “festive.”
But you don’t want to throw a shindig because — let me guess — you’re on a budget, you have friends who bring dead squirrels to parties and you washed one dish a month ago ... you think.
Slow your holiday party hatin’ roll, Scrooge McGrinch! The secret to a truly mirth-filled wintry fete is knowing your audience and knowing how to tell them to suck it if they don’t like your soiree.
Here are my top-five tips about how to make your seasonal social a holly jolly jam.
1. XXXmas Costume Contest
Why is Halloween the only holiday when you get to dress like a 2-cent sex worker? We all have that tiny plaid dress that you never wear out because it reveals more of Santa’s little helpers than you feel comfortable with. Encourage your guests to make their Rudolph costumes ruder and their Frosty costumes friskier. It will be ho ho horrendous.
2. Snacks on Snacks, Holiday Version
Cooking is hard when it can’t be done in a microwave. The best snacks are the ones that require no utensils or clean up. For example, those Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes or a package of raw bacon (you can call it Carpaccio). Keep it festive with an entire box of Apple Jacks in a mixing bowl with one big spoon. It’s flu season, so follow up every bite of communal cereal with a shot of vodka to kill the germs.
3. Beer in the Snow and Christmas Mountaintinis
What is the reason for the season? Don’t answer that; instead, head on over to the liquor store and pick up your favorite cheap beer and grain alcohol. I like to arrange my confidence–in-a-can in a swath of white fleece so it looks like it’s fresh from the slopes and ready to get your ass under the mistletoe.
Mountain Dew and Mountain Dew’s evil twin Code Red combined with 100-proof anything make a cheerfully toxic punch sure to light up all of your guests like a Christmas tree.
4. Shaken Present Syndrome
Play an exciting game of Dirty Santa with your party crew, except make them all bring gifts that are actually filthy. People may shake the wrapped packages to guess whether or not they want to open the used adult diaper or steal that bag of moldy Chinese food from their friend. I advise having barf buckets on hand, in case the fun gets to be too much for some people.
5. Deck the Halls with Crap You Stole from Dollar Tree
Decorating your home for the holidays can get pretty expensive, but a little bit of larceny can go a long way if you know how to make a wreath look like a beard. Start off with something small, like a single candy cane, and then work you way up to the bigger items like the inflatable Santa and Mrs. Claus. Before you know it, you will have the most bedazzled house on the block and a warrant out for your arrest!
— Caitlin Turner, letters senior
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anonymous43209 1 year, 5 months ago
This is a bunch of bull. Even the girls in the sex crazy sororities (not all of them are) are not as big of whores as you at least write that you are. Please stop writing for the OU Daily, your articles are pointless and discredit the good name of OU. If the Editor was actually a good one you would already be long gone.
samcclung65 1 year, 5 months ago
I will never forget Caitlin's O.U.I! Christmas party two years ago. One of the funnest nights ever, and before she could legally buy alcohol (though she could legally sell pancakes to prostitutes in Nevada.) Nearly died laughing.
mythman 1 year, 5 months ago
Sounds like someone should lighten up, anonymous43209. Or should I say, Scrooge McGrinch? (Callback zing!)
pretty_proliferation 1 year, 5 months ago
This is FANTASTIC.
nyrfan317 1 year, 5 months ago
^BOOM, ROASTED!