Today, in hopes of doing justice to all nine of my faithful readers, my sole wish is to divulge the sacred ways of the gentleman.
Such a gentleman was the legendary Charlie Chaplin that he could do the unthinkable and get away with verbless quotes.
Consider his gentlemanly fragment: “A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure.” Let us strive to be all of these things, and let us also take note of the following guidelines so we may be of a higher standard.
Grammar/Diction
The words make the gentleman, so choose yours wisely. Invest in a thesaurus and maybe a rhyming dictionary to pump your sentences full of intrigue (and rhymes!). A solid understanding of grammar can take you far in life, but I give full permission to forget “whom” — its most magical aspect is its uncanny ability to prove your social life died long ago.
On the topic of cursing, though, I give my full blessing, but with a word of caution: It is the spice of everyday language (there’s nothing more satisfying than a perfectly-timed f-bomb), but a gentleman knows to use these words sparingly and appropriately.
Attire
I cannot be the dictator of your closet. Just know yourself and your unique style so that it may be used to your dapper advantage.
Your clothes announce who you are — don’t be presented as the slob who cares not about the three-day-old mustard stains on his shirt. A greater evil, though, is the pretentious wardrobe — a gentleman’s look should convey approachability, not conceit.
Entertaining
People are naturally drawn to gentlemen, but the simple fact of life is that you will die alone and friendless if your party-throwing skills are subpar. For successful entertaining, keep a full stock of spirits (see “Libations”), as well as a varied music library.
Though a true gentleman shows kindness to all, the company he keeps is yet another reflection of himself. (There is really no subtle way for me to tell you to invite likeable persons to your gathering, but do it anyway, alright?)
Dating
A gentleman never forgets his manners, and when taking out a young man or woman, he remains aware of his responsibility to show his date a good time — this means being engaging, attentive and most likely not getting drunk on Rumplemintz halfway through the evening.
Hold tight to common sense here — if the restaurant has plastic menus, or if the wine can be opened without a corkscrew, skip it. Your date will notice.
Technology
Now I’m really going to let you have it — while technology certainly can be handy, it is not gentlemanly in any fashion. Learn to limit yourself: If you really, really find it necessary to have a Twitter account, remember that your online self-image is just as potent as your physical one. The same goes for Facebook: Sad people make pages for their dogs. Gentlemen do not.
Libations
We’re back to appropriateness here: a case of Natty Light might be acceptable for a night of cow-tipping, but not for a gentleman’s purposes. Ditch your cheaper drinking habits in favor of quality imports, and seek out your personal favorites in gin, scotch and brandy.
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pluralist 2 years, 1 month ago
This made me smile! I applaud you for talking about gentlemanly behaviour without being misogynist or homophobic. Have to say, though, that steampunks would really disagree with the technology section ;)
cineman69 2 years, 1 month ago
I love this! It is not only humorous, but also very clever and smart. And I agree with the previous comment, it is nice to see that this article is not misogynistic or homophobic, that was a nice touch. It makes it applicable to everyone. Very well written!