I’ve recently been thinking about when one should have sex, and because we’re in college and everyone is thinking about it, I thought I would defend a side that isn’t defended very often nowadays: abstinence. Besides, minority opinions are often the best sides to defend.
To begin, I will assume that sex is something special and unique. It’s not “just sex,” and it’s not akin to eating or drinking (even drinking a really good German beer).
There’s some kind of bond, whether you call that emotional or even spiritual. Somehow, there’s some connection that both partners share.
Various people I’ve asked about this issue have all said that when they’ve had sex, they began viewing the other person in a different light. Sex changes things, irrevocably.
Perhaps the reason is that sex is giving of yourself in, probably, the most vulnerable fashion possible (after all, you’re naked). Sex is special because we don’t normally bare ourselves completely to others unless we’re not thinking straight.
Furthermore, sex creates intimacy. In its best light, sex is the expression of intimacy, where both parties are fully giving each other’s body and emotions to one another.
Of course, it doesn’t necessarily induce intimacy (for example, prostitutes may have sex, but their relationships are hardly intimate).
However, according to a study published by Christianity Today in 1986, sexual intercourse before marriage corresponds with higher levels of dissatisfaction unhappiness and low self-esteem in present marriages. Obviously this study only shows a correlation, not a causation effect, but that doesn’t negate all usefulness of such a correlation.
Perhaps this correlation is grounded in the perception that sex is best within the bonds of intimate relationships, with far-reaching consequences. In fact, the vulnerable act of sex may be a healing agent as it reveals hidden fears and trust issues.
It should be no surprise that some argue the best context of sex, due to the vulnerability that it entails, is best suited within the life-long commitment of marriage.
Moreover, having multiple sex partners inevitably causes suspicions, mistrust and comparisons.
Individuals will wonder if they were as attractive, stimulating or “as good” as the other person’s previous partners. These doubts will always be there, and they can , and have, ruined relationships.
These comparisons and doubts, particularly in one’s relationship, again resurrect the importance of vulnerability and trust in the act of sex. In this way, sex (as a healing agent) doesn’t further trust issues and fears.
Instead, it causes trust problems and fears. The more one engages in sexual intercourse, the more doubts someone will have about being able to satisfy the other. What a terrible, awful feeling when you’re most vulnerable!
If doubts and comparisons and suspicions are in the relationship, then the sex may not (perhaps even cannot) be as good as it could have been.
On the other side of the story, the more bonds you have with others, the more memories you have. These memories cause distractions in your current relationships, and they prohibit the level of bonding with the one you want to bond with!
That would be tremendously discouraging for your future spouse (should you get married), contributing to an even greater distrust and suspicion during the most intimate and vulnerable physical act possible.
I think it’s obvious that the more physical actions I do with a girl, the more memories of those actions (and girls) I have. So, when I am doing these same actions with someone I love in a deep sense, it will be less special and less unique.
Also, I’ll be less able to give my full attention because I’ll be distracted either comparing the experience with other girls, or I’ll be less able to value it.
Another story I have often heard from people is that sex killed their relationships.
Once sex happens, it becomes very difficult to prevent sex from becoming the focus of the relationship. This is true not only in sex, but in all touch-related acts. If these acts become the focus of the relationship, and especially if and when they rapidly progress, then the couple may stop getting to know each other.
Sex can become the defining characteristic of the relationship and, consequently, instead of growing closer together, the people drift further apart. (This is one reason why maturity is so important in relationships.)
But, more importantly, it is crucial that physical relations don’t short-circuit other parts of the relationship. Be careful, for sex can kill your best relationship, and you don’t want to have regrets about missing out on the best person for you.
Do you remember when I mentioned that sex causes a bond with the other person? Well, scientists think it’s directly related to oxytocin, a chemical that’s released in the brain.
According to oxytocin.com, “Studies show that oxytocin in females, as well as the closely-related vasopressin in males, is key to pair bonding.”
Recent studies reveal that the prairie vole has oxytocin and has lifelong monogamous relationships, whereas its close cousin, without oxytocin, does not.
Why? Because the oxytocin creates a bond!
When oxytocin and vasopressin are released during orgasm, the formation of an emotional bond begins – the more sex, the greater the bond.
This may be unrelated, but regardless of where you are in your relationships, I think it is important sex not be a bargaining chip involving relationships. If a guy loves and respects a girl, then would he really make sex the determining factor in the relationship?
And, conversely, if a girl loves a guy, would she need to resort to bargaining sex to get what she wants?
How is either case meaningful or respectful? Sex in a relationship (even in marriage!) can lead to valuing the act and not the person. If this happens, the relationship has been largely ruined.
Now, I am not saying that sex outside of marriage is always and in every case wrong. However, that does not mean that those who preach abstinence have nothing good to offer.
Sex before you’re ready (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) – whatever that means for each person – may cause many problems in your view of yourself, your view of others, your view of dating, your view of marriage and your view of your future spouse.
I think there is wisdom in what those who teach abstinence are saying. And, if they have anything to offer, it would be foolish of us to not understand and try to apply what wisdom they do have.
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dio 2 years, 7 months ago
Another 18 years old immature and unmarried christian virgin digressing on the subject of sex.
This column reeks of stupidity.
dio 2 years, 7 months ago
@Rhology
Right, after reading the whole no-sex-before-marriage argument in this column, I concluded that Huff was obviously an arnarcho-Mandaean worshiping trees.
dargus 2 years, 7 months ago
An interesting article, but the author never really presents any points counter to his argument. While many of the potential problems that are raised about the complications of sex are quite valid, I'd also say they are symptoms of emotional immaturity. If you can't focus on your current partner because you've had other partners in the past, or your suspicions ruin your relationships, perhaps the solution doesn't have to do with sex at all and just requires a little growing up.
Dandy 2 years, 7 months ago
Pretty immature, and classless, comment, dio.
ZHD 2 years, 7 months ago
Every time I go to Wal-Mart I am convinced things would just be better if some people would avoid having sex at all..... before, during or after marriage.
Rhology 2 years, 7 months ago
And just to be clear, dio, Huff is no Christian.
brandeis 2 years, 7 months ago
"To begin, I will assume that sex is something special and unique. It’s not “just sex,” and it’s not akin to eating or drinking (REDACTED FOR RETARDED).
There’s some kind of bond, whether you call that emotional or even spiritual. Somehow, there’s some connection that both partners share."
I implore the audience not to accept this observation; there is literally no argument here -
"Various people I’ve asked about this issue have all said that when they’ve had sex, they began viewing the other person in a different light. Sex changes things, irrevocably."
Oh well, various people, oh yeah well then obviously. Here at Brandeis, we base all of our curriculum on reports from 'various people'; makes for an intellectual climate.