The following is fashion advice: It’s getting warm, so stop wearing your vests.

The brand doesn’t matter: North Face, Patagonia, Columbia – they all suck.

Before you remove your vest, however, I want you to understand something. I do not want you to stop wearing it because it is in style (inasmuch as a vest can be stylish). I’m not one of those people who hates everything that is marginally popular (i.e. a hipster). If I was, I wouldn’t have much room to talk, because I’d be wearing a pair of skinny jeans (and quite possibly a scarf). I’d also listen to lame indie bands with names like Soup Kitchen, Star Road or Boiling Kettle.

You are removing your vest for a much simpler reason: It is the most nonsensical piece of clothing on earth. It is a broken jacket. During cold weather, most body heat escapes through the limbs (which a vest does not cover) and the top of the head (which a vest does not cover). If you insist on wearing half-clothing, it would make much more sense to wear a yarmulke-esque fleece hat perched on top of your head. Or a nice pair of fleece sleeves. Boy, those would look cool.

To avoid writing a column in which I put myself on a pedestal, I must tell you that in eighth grade, I owned a vest. I do not really remember how it came into my possession, but I’m almost positive I did not buy it. Anyway, I wore it to school one day. No one made fun of me; I don’t think anyone even mentioned it. But I sure as hell wasn’t warm. Instead, I looked like some strange army ranger wearing a fleece flak jacket. A very cold army ranger.

Wearing a vest is the fashion equivalent to listening to Coldplay, or writing a column supporting or denouncing evolution: Everyone’s doing it. This is never a good reason to do anything. Although I think I would rather wear a vest than listen to a Coldplay album in its entirety. And I would definitely slip my arms through some vest holes in lieu of writing a column about evolution/intelligent design/Darwinism/Richard Dawkins/the Bible. I do not want to look like an ignorant moron. Instead, I will stick to writing about such things as vests.

I realize that there is no way I can possibly convince you to stop wearing your vest. After all, it is your vest, not mine (thank God).

But remember, wearing a vest is quite similar to wearing a hat with a little plastic propeller on the top – both make you look like an idiot (although the hat could possibly be endearing).

Adam Kohut is a professional writing senior.