If you absolutely must be one of the 20 million or so moviegoers to subject themselves to “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” this weekend, here's a little advice: Don't even think about operating heavy machinery for several days, have a designated driver waiting outside the theater and prepare yourself a cooling eye salve.

I'm serious about the last one.

The sequel to 2007's proudly stupid “Transformers,” this go-around is an all-out assault on the senses. It's like a snuff film with giant robots — how much can you endure before you just have to look away?

At the end of his career (Lord, let it come soon), director Michael Bay will almost certainly have “Transformers 2” as the crown jewel of his filmography. A brief glance at Bay's oeuvre makes it clear the guy has been doing his damndest to create the biggest, loudest and dumbest action film of all time.

Well, he's succeeded.

“Transformers 2” makes “Armageddon” look subtle, “The Island” look intelligent and the first “Transformers” look like a study in restraint.

This time, poor Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) is trying to shed his robot-infested past, and head off to a normal life at college.

He's determined to make a long-distance relationship work with girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox in full-on eye candy mode), but there's going to be trouble if he isn't willing to take the plunge and profess his love for her. This is by far the most interesting conflict in the film.

Elsewhere, we learn that the Decepticons and the Autobots are far more ancient than anyone thought, and they've been locked in mortal combat ever since. The Autobots are helping the military attempt to eradicate the Decepticons from the earth, but this is essentially impossible. It is — stop making movies about it. There can be no end.

About 75 percent of the film is dedicated to robots duking it out in scenes that are so poorly shot and edited, forget about identifying which ones are bad and which are good. Perhaps a pocket robot field guide is in order.

The other 25 percent of the film comes as a massive relief as Bay decides to actually give a little screen time to his human characters. None of these people are remotely interesting, but the respite from the exhausting battle scenes is entirely welcome.

Ever the classy and witty guy, Bay fills the downtime with gems like doggy sex, a leg-humping robot, Fox repeatedly running in slow-motion like she's auditioning for “Baywatch,” two incredibly offensively stereotyped “black” robots and John Turturro in a thong. How does he pack it all in?

A lobotomy wouldn't make “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” a pleasant experience. There are guilty pleasure movies and there are “so god-awful, I can't even mindlessly enjoy this” movies.

“Transformers 2” is neither; it's in another category all by itself. A category that belongs solely to Bay. He's outdone himself.

-Dusty Somers is the Life & Arts editor and a journalism junior