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A sex whisperer’s plight: Seven pillars to master

by Adam Kohut | February 18, 2009 | 6 comments

Book cover image provided

This is a gauntlet, according to Thomas Paine, M.D. A sexual gauntlet.

Dr. Paine’s book, “How to Treat a Woman: The Art and Science of Sex Whispering: A Manual for Young Men” will put me through seven trials — pillars, as he calls them.

After I have mastered these pillars, I will be a sex whisperer. The word “whisperer” can be used interchangeably with “god.”

In a sense, I am a modern-day Hercules, minus the strength, the looks (debatable) and the ability to slay the Hydra. I will not hold the world on my shoulders in Atlas’ absence, although I will learn how to connect emotionally in the bedroom. I will not retrieve the girdle of Hippolyte of the Amazons; instead I will take an in-depth look at women’s lady parts.

But if I squander my time — if I do not take Dr. Paine seriously — I will be doomed to a life of unsatisfactory experiences; a dull, miserable existence. Women will spurn me. They will reel back in disgust. I will be a sexual pariah, doomed to wander the barren outskirts of carnal pleasure.

Running this gauntlet is a daunting task, but I am up to the challenge.

But I have a few questions before I begin. First, what will my girlfriend think when she sees me reading this book? Will my mother see this column? My aunt? My grandmother?

Dr. Paine is a pen name, according to a small blurb about the author on the back cover of the book. Is this a vague metaphor for my not having the “Common Sense” to know this stuff on my own? Is this Thomas Paine, M.D.’s way of subtly mocking me?

Will there be actual whispering involved? If so, will it be anything like that in Robert Redford’s 1998 film, “The Horse Whisperer?” Will there be horses involved? I hope not.

But I better get started. My time to become a sex whisperer is limited. After all, this is “a manual for young men.” Anyone over the age of 30 need not apply.

Pillar I: Time and Place

Dr Paine wastes no time. The first sentence of the book tells me: “the mission of a sex whisperer is to give a woman the gift of an orgasm.”

This is my objective. I have accepted my mission. Destroy all evidence after reading.

The first pillar is simple enough. Dr. Paine explains to me that time and place are very important for a woman’s sex drive. This does not apply to men, as they will have sex any time and (just about) any place.

But women are different. Women want to have sex only at certain times. It depends on their “sex tides.” Sometimes that tide is in and sometimes that tide is out.

“A sex whisperer must learn to read the tides of a woman’s sex drive,” Dr. Paine says.

When the tide is in, women want to have sex. When the tide is out, they do not. But if a sex whisperer is skilled enough, he can sometimes turn the tide.

Not always, however. Some-times, the tide is out to stay. No matter what. At times like these, a sex whisperer should “postpone his mission.” In this case, do not destroy all evidence after reading. Save it for a later date.

Women also care about the place in which they have sex much more than men, according to Dr. Paine. Place refers to “the sights and sounds and smells, the privacy, the comfort” of a sex location.

This means you probably shouldn’t try to have sex in a zoo.

Pillar II: Emotional Connection

“Before doing anything to stimulate a woman physically,” Dr. Paine says, “a sex whisperer should attend to the emotional side of her sexuality.”

There is no set method for going about this, but when it happens in the correct time and place, “a charge will be set off that reverberates throughout [the woman’s] sexual nervous system.”

I wonder if this charge’s detonation will be audible. Probably. I think it will closely resemble the sound of a shofar.

Pillar III: Arousing a Woman Before Intercourse

Foreplay is important. The goal of foreplay is to get a woman “within striking distance” of an orgasm.

The goal of a ninja is to get within striking distance of an enemy before attacking.

Thus, ninjas and foreplay are closely related. Additionally, ninjas are most likely foreplay experts.

During foreplay, Dr. Paine tells me to make sure I pay close attention to the woman’s breasts as “a rich supply of nerve fibers runs through the nipples.”

The inner thigh is also a “potential erogenous zone.”

But wait, Dr. Paine says (sternly). There are three common errors that men should avoid at all costs:

A) “The first is to equate the erection of a woman’s nipples with heightened arousal.”

B) “The second error is to equate rapid breathing with conscious arousal.” She could just be having an asthma attack.

C) “The third error involves the phenomenon of vaginal wetness. If vaginal wetness were an indicator of a woman’s level of conscious arousal, the task of a sex whisperer would be greatly simplified.”

Nothing’s ever easy.

Pillar IV: The Clitoris-Urethra-Vagina Tissue Complex

The clitoris-urethra-vagina tissue complex is not a scientific research facility in the Midwest. It is, however, the fourth pillar, which is fundamentally an anatomy course of the female’s sexual organs. The chapter contains 16 full-color illustrations, one of which depicts an enormous purple clitoris, its external and internal parts clearly labeled (the corpora cavernosum, the glans, the crura and the bulbs). This illustration also shows a clitoris bears a striking resemblance to an Imperial Shuttle from the “Star Wars” movies.

I learn that a woman’s urethra is approximately one-and-a-half inches long. This is “much shorter than the male urethra.” But size doesn’t matter, Dr. Paine. It’s all how you use it.

Pillar V: Intercourse and Female Orgasm

It is difficult for a woman to reach orgasm, explains Dr. Paine. This means that a man must pace himself.

Dr. Paine then shows me the median time from “penetration to ejaculation” for several countries. The United Kingdom ranks first (or last, depending how you look at it) with a time of seven minutes and 36 seconds. Men from Turkey last the least amount of time, clocking in at three minutes, 42 seconds. The United States has a time of seven minutes flat. I am not sure what this point is supposed to illustrate, but I am glad I am not a Turk.

There are other ways to help a woman have an orgasm, Dr. Paine tells me. There is, for example, the coital alignment technique, or CAT, which is a reimagining of the missionary position. Dr. Paine tells an anecdote at this point. It concerns sex researchers who personally tried the CAT. This anecdote makes a sex researcher’s job seem a lot less mundane.

Dr. Paine warns men against the dangers of drug use: “You can disrupt and degrade your brain’s arousal and orgasm circuitry by using addictive drugs like amphetamines, cocaine and heroin … You risk grievous consequences if you use addictive drugs. Not the least involves your ability to perform sexually.”

This goes to show that rock stars who snort cocaine off strippers’ backs before proceeding to have sex with them are most likely leaving the dancers unsatisfied.

Pillar VI: Female Sexual Variability and Sexual Communication

“The skill of a sex whisperer depends upon effective communication with a woman,” Dr. Paine says.

Men and women should tell each other what does and does not feel good, despite the fact that this can be embarrassing. But men must “earn [a woman’s] sexual trust.”

Dr. Paine examines pet names some people use for body parts. These include: “Little Willy for the penis” (cliché), “Myra and Myrtle for the breasts” (as long as the woman is 90 years old), “Sweet Pea for the clitoris” (which could also be the name of a baby doll manufactured by Mattel) and “Omar the Tentmaker” (which is kind of terrifying).

I feel slightly uncomfortable.

Pillar VII: Sexual Empathy

I have reached the final pillar. I have almost done it. The title of sex whisperer is so close.

Dr. Paine tells me that women’s orgasms have “profound physiologic effects … that go beyond purely physical joy and rapture.”

The orgasm is “uplifting,” and there are negative consequences should a woman not have one.

I start to panic. The pressure is almost unbearable. What if I fail? Could I turn a woman into a raving lunatic? Could I get into legal trouble should this happen? With what would I be charged? Sexual manslaughter, perhaps. Would I be jailed? Quarantined? Castrated?

Dr. Paine tells me to calm down.

“The question for sex whisperers is not whether failure to orgasm causes women to become neurotic or suffer nervous breakdowns,” he says in (I assume) a placid voice.

He continues, telling me that no, a woman will not go insane if she is not sexually fulfilled. I take a few deep breaths. Dr. Paine is right, of course. To think my sexual ability holds so much power would be sexist and arrogant.

The good doctor gladly explains, good-natured, ever patient and willing to inform:

“The lesson from all of this is simply that orgasms are good for the mind, body and spirit of a woman just as they are for a man — and failure to reach orgasm is just as distressing for a woman as it is for a man,” he tells me.

It looks like I am in the clear, just as long as I attempt to give “as good or better” than I get.

And with that, I have passed the final pillar.

And thus, my sexual odyssey ends. I have read the seven pillars. I have learned from Thomas Paine M.D. He has guided me on my treacherous journey, and I have returned, alive and better off (I think). I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment. I am exhausted, but exhilarated.

I am a sex whisperer.

-Adam Kohut is a professional writing senior.

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