The second-most important issue on the minds of the OU community was put to rest Monday when Bob Stoops announced that he will be returning to grace our sidelines for another year, quelling any talk that he was on his way to Notre Dame.
Now that the undercard has cleared the way for me, let me put an end to all of the rumors: I will be returning to these pages next semester.
Yes, the most attractive and talented writer in the history of this paper (your words, not mine) will be back in January, guiding you through the doldrums of the dreaded Semester Without Football.
It was a difficult decision. Like my friend Mr. Stoops, I was also tempted by offers of untold riches and limitless power. In the end, though, I had to say no to Valu Foods.
Like Mr. Stoops, I am excited about what I’ve got going on here in Norman. Eight bucks an hour goes a lot further here than most places, you know.
Ultimately, it’s all about you – you tens of people who faithfully waste five minutes of your lives reading this space every other Thursday. I just don’t have it in me to let you guys down.
I will continue to fight for the meek and helpless, see for the lost and blind and smell for the scent-impaired.
I understand the tremendous responsibility which comes with being the unquestioned voice of reason for the university, and I’m excited about spreading my limitless wisdom a few more times.
And people say I’m not charitable!
Of course, I can’t just turn down the likes of Valu Foods without asking a favor or two from my readers here. I’ve got the leverage, after all.
First, I would like to be given some breathing room when I’m out around town.
It’s not that I don’t understand – I used to be enamored with Peyton and LeBron back when they were more than just names on my speed dial.
Still, when you see me at O’Connell’s, chances are good that I’m more interested in getting 20 percent off with my OU ID than providing you with a moment you’ll tell your grandkids about.
Times are tough, or so they say. My only other request is that you only join and associate with fan clubs expressly authorized by my people. The proliferation of unauthorized fan clubs, while understandable due to my stature, is nonetheless potentially harmful to my all-important reputation.
While I’m being candid, I would like to firmly deny speculation which may have existed earlier this semester that I would be leaving my position on the opinion staff to enter the NBA Draft.
I believe these rumors resulted from my laser-like three-point shot being unleashed upon some unsuspecting so-called “ballers” at the Huff.
There is simply no truth to this idle chit-chat. I play basketball for the same reason I do everything else – not to make money, but to instruct. I would never charge for lessons, and for this noble reason I will never sign a professional contract.
These issues aside, I look forward to once again serving as a beacon of light for the uncultured masses to follow.
Next semester I will strive to do the impossible and improve upon my perfection, and I will do so here at Oklahoma.
I will not answer any questions about negotiations that may or may not have occurred with other employers and can only speak with certainty about the immediate future.
Bob Stoops cited an inability to be in two places at once as proof that he cannot possibly coach Notre Dame next season.
Unfortunately that line of reasoning is not sufficient in my case, so you’ll just have to take me for what my word is worth. Not much.
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whatsherface 2 years, 5 months ago
What the hell? Is this supposed to be funny? Don't quit your $8 an hour day job because you definitely can't make it on your own as a comedian. Did The Daily need to fill more space in their paper with crap? This is just embarrassing.
Cambrian 2 years, 5 months ago
I don't know what's more disgusting, Bob Stoops making 4 million dollars a year or the author of this article making 8 dollars an hour to write this crap. I would write better articles for free. Hire me Daily!
TylerBranson 2 years, 5 months ago
Columnists are unpaid.
ougal 2 years, 5 months ago
This may possibly be the most pointless column I've read in the Daily, which is a feat that should be applauded.