New Kids on the Block
My earliest recalled Christmas wish list didn’t include a Barbie doll.
But it did include a New Kids on the Block doll.
Why?
Because at age four — before I knew what sex was — I knew NKOTB were sexy.
Sure, many freshmen were mere fetuses or infants and can’t remember, but NKOTB were hot and still are. Have you seen their new “Summertime” video?
Sure most of them are almost 40, but the Jonas Brothers are boys and NKOTB are men. The bottom line is, I look at the Jonas Brothers and think who the hell are these puny boys? And give that Joe kid an eyebrow wax.
Okay, so I’ll give the Jonas Brothers the fact they still have some growing up to do, but let’s get down to business. NKOTB were the first modern day “boy band” and will forever be one of the best-selling boy bands of all time, thanks to Internet music piracy.
NKOTB sold over 70 million albums worldwide, making N’SYNC’s 56 million in album sales look like a fair attempt and the Jonas Brother’s digital sales track record look like a warm-up lap.
NKOTB defined the word “boy band,” which means highly talented male acts who are as cute as a button, sing like angels, dance in perfect formation and, let’s not forget, can be cut at any moment.
The Jonas Brothers are, well, brothers and, unfortunately, you can’t cut brothers. Apparently it has something to do with being a “family.”
Now let’s look at both bands’ rock and roll factor. The Jonas Brothers wear purity rings and claim to abstain from sex, drugs and alcohol. What are they thinking?
If “E! True Hollywood Story” has taught us anything it’s that they are all in their pre-cocaine addiction phase and it won’t be too long until Miley Cyrus takes sweet little Nick Jonas’ V-card in the back of the tour bus.
Even Nancy Regan couldn’t stop NKOTB from hangin’ tough, but that’s what they were all about. We all know what New Kid Donnie Wahlberg was really famous for: being a bad boy. He wasn’t about to sell out on some clean-cut preppy image. He had a white-trash ponytail because he was just another working class kid living the American Dream. Now that’s rock and roll ... well, kind of.
What do girls want? Sure, girl pants and vests look just darling on the Jonas Brothers, but at the end of the day, we want men who wear bigger pants than us, dance better than us and lift weights in their music videos. Now that’s hot.
— Katie J. Parker is a journalism senior.
Jonas Brothers
The average age of the members of New Kids on the Block is 38. Let that sink in for a second. Let that truly creep you out.
I’m aware of the challenges of defending the widely loathed and ridiculed Jonas Brothers. But seriously people, what is the deal with all the hatred? Have you ever listened to a Jonas Brothers album?
Okay, so neither have I, but I’m convinced it’s time to give these clean-cut bros a chance. What’s the alternative? Five middle-aged men still calling themselves “Kids” and “New?”
The NKOTB are utterly talentless. They were in 1986 when their debut album came out, and I find it hard to believe they’ve done anything to change their talent level in the last 20 years.
Their instrument-less song and dance routine may have appealed to empty-headed preteens in the ‘80s, but are these same girls, in their mid-30s now, still going to want to scream for Jordan? (I know the answer is yes. That still doesn’t make it right.)
Meanwhile, we have the Jonas Brothers, just bursting at the seams with talent. They’ve released a platinum album, starred in a movie and have an upcoming TV show. And most importantly, they knocked that annoying as hell Katy Perry song (something about kissing a girl and liking it – perhaps you’ve heard of it) out of the No. 1 slot on the iTunes Top Songs chart.
Even NKOTB is less annoying than Perry. The Jonas Brothers ought to be given a presidential audience for bringing down her reign of terror.
But wait, they already have! The Jonas Brothers have played at the White House twice in their short careers. Can you imagine what a NKOTB appearance at the executive mansion would signal to the terrorists? I just don’t think the Department of Homeland Security will ever be prepared to deal with the consequences of Donnie Wahlberg getting any kind of validation from the U.S. government.
Even with the extremely low standard applied to boy bands, and believe me, there is no lower standard in popular music, the New Kids don’t measure up.
And, even more telling, they know they suck. They just released a new album, “The Block,” but not one song from it appears on their MySpace. Instead we’re served up so-called NKOTB classics, such as “The Right Stuff,” “Step by Step” and “Cover Girl.” This reunion tour is nothing more than a group of sad middle-aged men grasping for the remnants of their fading popularity. Remember: average age – 38.
Like it or not, the Jonas Brothers are the future. The New Kids are the past, which is where they belong. Let’s all hope that when this tour is done, they will allow themselves to fade back into obscurity for the good of themselves, their families and this great country.
— Dusty Somers is a journalism junior.
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terynf 3 years, 8 months ago
To begin with, I think it is unfair to put these bands against each other. NKOTB had their reign in the 80s early 90s or whatever, and now it is the JB turn. Respect each band for what they have accomplished, and let them be. Jonas Brothers, who I am obsessed with, have an amazing talent. They have a good head on all their shoulders, are surrounded by their family in every aspect of their business, and do what they love. Not once have I heard one bad thing about them. NKOTB is a great band as well, but I do find it kind of weird that they are still singing the same songs they did when they were "it". Honestly, let the NKOTB fans be fans, and let JB fans be JB fans. There is no need for competition here.
cpaccione 3 years, 2 months ago
The comments by Dusty Somers are extremely uncalled for and rude. Honestly...the average age is 38... true, but what is the age of their fan base?!?! I'm venturing to say 90% are in the mid 30's. Plus, they are not trying to appeal to the teeny boppers, with songs like "Grown Man" and other mature songs they are MEN appealing to WOMEN, not teenagers. Trust, me, I was a fan in the day and still a fan. I'm 31 and I'm ready for a Grown Man, not a chastity ring wearing pretty boy. They are much much better now than in 1988, more mature, attractive, and sexy!
Are bands supposed to just retire after reaching a certain age? What about The Rolling Stones or Aerosmith, are they not great just because they are older? Does their age make them "sick" if they have a teenage fan base? (before you start...I'm not comparing the band dynamics because I KNOW they are a different class) but I AM referring to the age.
Also, why pick on the name? That's just rude. Obviously they are not "new kids" but it would be plain stupid for them to change their name to something completely different. They were known as NKOTB and they still are.
The Block album is absolutely stellar. The MySpace page you are referring to was more than likely a fan site since they didn't have an "official" page until later, which of course promotes "The Block" album.
You absolutely cannot put these two in the same category. Both groups are talented in their own right and have their own fan base. The things you are picking on are just shallow.
I'm not saying NKOTB is the greatest band ever...maybe they haven't played at the White House, but there is something to be said about selling out concerts 15 years after their breakup. Give them some credit!