The other day someone asked me if I had "gone to the game." Why, yes, I had. I proceeded to tell this person how great the game was, and how I victoriously conquered North America and forced my friends out of their strongholds. "What?" the person asked. Apparently they were talking about some kind of football game, whereas I was talking about Risk. Having now spent 20 years in Oklahoma this sort of exchange is all too common.

Football bores me. To me, its greatest redeeming qualities are the cheerleaders and underground gamblers associated with it. My problems with the sport probably stem from childhood, when I felt lied to by the time on the scoreboard. It advertised "6:36" left in the quarter, by which I took to mean that there were six minutes and 36 seconds left in the quarter. In fact there would be 15 minutes left in the quarter, composed of eight second plays interspersed with mind-numbing boredom that my father forbid me to read during.

Additionally, I blame football for the death of "Futurama." Football, perpetually misrepresenting its own time, inevitably bled into my very clever cartoon show, cutting it short. People tuning into the crazy antics of Bender and Dr. Zoidberg got impatient and played video games, killing the Neilson ratings.

Thanks, football.

I understand that all sports have a certain amount of positive attributes like sportsmanship, athletic prowess, tactics, etc. But, as near as I can tell, any positive quality you can attribute to football you could also attribute to foosball, which I actually sort of enjoy. Imagine the hysteria and awe we pump into football channeled into something like ping pong. Football is basically just a perversion of rugby anyway, so couldn't we go back to the weird socks and funny helmets? If we became rugby or soccer enthusiasts, we could extend our rivalry with the Europeans outside of the Olympics and middle eastern military conflicts.

Why does everyone stand at football games? For that great view from an additional towering three feet? Everyone's viewpoint would remain the same if everyone remained seated. I'll bet years ago some idiot on the front row got a leg cramp and stood up, so the guy behind him stood up, and so forth. If we'd had decent handicap seating 50 years ago, we wouldn't have to stand every three minutes today.

There are a lot of other activities that would make more sense to shovel enthusiasm and dedication into. Folks could start inviting people over to eat nachos and watch Congress. The legislative branch is going to affect your life a lot more than who is passing an ellipsoid to whom. If anyone gets more excited about the outcome of a football game than the outcome of the last presidential election, I hope they didn't vote.

Why is it cool for me to paint myself red and white at a football game but uncool for me to do so at a "Star Trek" convention? At least if you watch "Star Trek" you can see hot aliens, plot development and explosions, as opposed to a little brown dot bouncing back and forth on a field for three hours.

In summation, I'm okay with football. I'm okay with football fandom. It's fanaticism that irks me. In church people sing specific songs, rely on guys in black and stand and sit at designated moments. It's permissible for people to do this at football games as well, but if your week is more drastically affected by the outcome of dead pig parts flying through a goal post than the sermon you heard (or skipped) there's a problem.

Football is a tolerable sport; it is a deplorable religion.

-Andrew Heaton is a religious studies and political science sophomore. His column appears every other Friday. He can be reached at opinion@oudaily.com.
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