I used to love cartoons. Saturday mornings used to be great, before Americanized anime cartoons such as Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh destroyed my love for waking up early. GI Joe and the Transformers were my comrades, my amigos, my pals. Much to my dismay, I just now realized that these cartoons filled with epic life and death struggles, were nothing more than huge toy commercials. How could my entire childhood be a lie? In my quest to find solace, I found that Optimus Prime was personally responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union.



     For this I had only one reply: Transform and roll out.



     The Autobots and Reaganomics went hand-in-hand. Colonel Oliver North, famous for his involvement in the Iran Contra, was sending copies of the Transformers movie throughout Afghanistan. The fact that only 1 out of 100,000 Afghanis had the video equipment to watch the movie mattered not. The few who saw it spread the word of the Autobots, a democratic military group with the freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, the right to bear arms, and the freedom from fear, attacking the Communist Decepticons.



     I think we can all agree that Optimus Prime would have loved the Taliban. They werent communist at all.



     Reagan, in his infinite wisdom, knew that the Transformers could also promote a positive message on the home front. Robots were the future of our country, and the instrument by which to eliminate the proletariat. Already at automotive, condom, and tortilla chip factories around the United States were robots replacing line workers. By educating American investors about the basics of Robotics, plant owners received the funds to decrease the population of militant laborers.



     The Autobots are anti-union, just like any self-respecting democratic robot should be.



     Gorbi tried to stop the Transformers, but his propaganda ministry was not nearly effective as the American toy makers. The Soviets tried to mimic Hitlers The Triumph of the Will with little success. Gorbi quickly learned that a spastic man with a stupid mustache was not nearly as effective as robots in disguise. Therefore, he quickly sent a division of Soviet tanks to reduce Budapest to rubble in order to build unity within the Soviet empire. However, it would not work this time around. Gorbis failure only caused his birthmark to redden in a startling likeness to Megatrons eyes.



     I now believe Reagan to be our greatest president. He crushed communist sentiments at our greatest time of peril, built an economy based upon machines that did not require wages, and inspired toy makers around the world. It truly was, and now is, a great time to be an American.
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