Katie, Vatican City

Every year I do something lame for Spring Break, like go skiing or schlep around some lame "exotic" beach. This year I decided to go where the action is: Vatican City! Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh! Okay. The truth? I didn't get my "bikini body" ready in time this year, due to a slight binge. Anyways, I arrived in glorious Italy in all my entire obese splendor to the most bitchin' Catholic crib EVER. The Pope declined an opportunity to "get his drink on" with me, but I managed to coerce a bishop to sample from my flask. The next day I awoke with bruises on my wrist from rosary beads, and communion wafers clinging to my thighs. I hope I didn't do anything I'll regret...



Genevieve, Oklahoma

All my college friends have left me to star in the new Girls Gone Wild video, while I am spending yet another Spring Break in west OKC. For those who aren't acquainted with this exotic locale, it is simultaneously home to a rather large population of devout Nazarenes and the skankiest strip clubs in the state. In order to combat boredom and possibly make some extra cash, I have decided to actually talk to my parents. However, after hearing about my dad's unhealthy love for golf and my mom's experience as an "artist," I am cursing my genetics. Maybe someday I'll get to go somewhere far away, like Edmond.



Tania, Congo

I am spending my glorious school-free week in the Congo, studying exactly what triggers animal aggressiveness. I was flown to Africa, and taken by raft into the deep jungle. As I looked to the left, strange tribes of people were chanting and throwing spears at our crew. "Silly people! What sad weapons!" we said as we shot them all with guns. After stealing all the tribe's ivory, we quickly made our way into the jungle. Roy, one of our newest crew members, is the first to test our aggressiveness theory that lions will only attack if you touch them. Sadly, we were way off on this one. Good ol' Roy was devoured by seven lions.



Glenn, Alaska

It is in the evening and I am so very cold. I do not know what time it is because it is dark all the time. It is always dark in winter. I have just met this eskimo girl. The biggest problem about her is that she has lots of junk in her trunk (understand?). She needs to eat lots of food or else she will be subject to extreme weight loss. This is so true in Alaska. It is so cold that I am unable to feel myself or get it on with this girl I have just met. It is so cold that I cannot get my good old famous body part enlarged (no, it is not the trunk. It is something else.). Oh, wait a minute! I think there is something that can be used specifically for this purpose! I believe that it is an import from Northern Europe. Well, I guess I will hang out with this girl and go to sleep. What else is there to do in Alaska?



Grant, Paris

Paris, the city of love, wine, art...and dog poop? I wish the French would learn some common manners. There is dog poop everywhere. I was trying to slip the tongue to my girl in front of the Eiffel Tower, when I smelled something horrible. A damn French poodle, of all animals, had shat on my foot. I wonder if Napoleon crapped on the city of Moscow. I bet all that burning poop smelled something fierce. Haven't these people heard of McDonald's or Wal-Mart? It took me an hour to get all of the materials for a ham sandwich. Geez, what a backwards culture. At least I will be back in the good ol' US of A tomorrow morning. I have a hankering for Freedom Fries.



Rhett, Iran

This was supposed to be the weekend of my life. My friend from 7-11 gave me his plane ticket and said that he didn't feel like going to Debai this time of year. No wonder he didn't want to go. The plane actually went across the Persian Gulf to Iran. There's no beach anywhere. Nor did the Iranians take too well to my appearance. No beer, the women are covered up, the food is probably poisoned since I'm an American, and there's a guy that keeps following me around with an AK-47. And I'm tied up in chains. Two things to remember: 1) Never take plane ticket from strange man at 7-11 who used to yell at you for buying cappuccino at the coffee price. 2) Never board a boat plane off the coast of South Carolina...Its not a real company.



Caleb, Kosovo

What the hell I am doing here? I was supposed to spend the week of spring break in Greece! The sun, the girls, the debauchery. But nooo! I had to be screwed over by my travel agent cousin, who of course is always jealous of me (he wants my sister, god he's so messed up). So anyway, there I was getting off the plane when I said something like so where be da bitches here, I need a good bum hump. And outta nowhere I'm beaten to the ground by these burly Serbians. Something told me that they weren't used to the American way of life. Yeah, I think I realized that after the third hit of their nightstick. "

"You won't find any war crimes where you're going," they said. The last thing I heard them say was, "take that American reporter." I attempted to tell the bloody wankers to bugger off, but instead I cried. When I came to, I was left naked in the forest. It was then that I realized that I stumbled into a Burbank, CA studio lot.



Brandon, Mexico

I came to Mexico hoping to drink. And score. I mean, come on! What is spring break about if it isn't getting faced and laid? Nuthin'! That's what. Well anyways, I finally arrive at the beach in Mexico, my video camera all ready to record all the hot naked babes a touchin' and a rubbin' on themselves when I look around and realize there aren't any hot naked babes a touchin' and a rubbin' on themselves. Just a bunch of dudes and fat chicks. Son of a bitch! Spring break in Mexico is nothing but a sausage party. Or should I say...chorizo!

hello there & you too