My two best friends left this morning, going back to their regular lives in Austin, Texas, and Fort Collins, Colo., leaving me happily exhausted by their presence. We are like puppies when we are together: giggly, silly, obnoxious, raunchy, rowdy and completely at ease.

We threw a small party while they were in town. They got to meet people I've become friends with since they moved, and the new friends finally got to spend time with the amazing womyn I'm always rambling on about. At the party I realized these are the people I cannot live without. My carefully chosen friends and my girlfriend comprise my real family. These are the people with whom I am utterly at home, free to be me, with all my flaws and self-doubts and not just a campus feminist or a lesbian activist or a daughter still in college or the bossy big sister.

"Families we choose" is an important concept, especially within the non-heterosexual community. Often when people come out to their families, they are tossed out or ostracized or made to feel unwelcome amongst the family they were born into. One womyn I know was told by her real-life drill sergeant mother, "I'd rather send you to war than you be a lesbian." Another womyn's family made her sign a contract when she first broached the subject, swearing it was only a phase. Yet another was told to do as she pleased, but under no circumstances to expose her little brothers to her secret life.

Not being out to your family, especially around the holidays, can be even worse for many people Not being able to bring your partner home for holiday celebrations can be difficult, as is taking care to be pronoun-neutral when speaking of your friends, significant other, etc. Lying outright to well-meaning relatives who ask if you have a boyfriend is also no fun. Hiding who you really are in addition to the usual strain that accompanies holiday time can be devastating for anyone, but especially if the stakes are very high. Keeping your secret can mean the difference between familial assistance with college and rent and being completely cut off from your family, both monetarily and emotionally.

This is why we in the non-heterosexual community so often form "chosen families." They are typically made up of people who will not judge us, make us feel guilty or bad and with whom we can relate and safely party, especially around the holidays when stress levels rise to often unmanageable heights. Several people I know have specific holiday dinners and parties for anyone who either doesn't want to go home or can't. I think it is a wonderful custom, not to mention an opportunity to escape the oppressive tradition that permeates some households. For example, families who do not acknowledge their vegetarian members, or who relegate the womyn of the family to the cooking and clean-up or those who get obnoxiously drunk using "holiday" as an excuse for inappropriate behavior.

It's important for all people to take care of themselves during the holidays. Even heterosexual people feel the strain of spending uninterrupted weeks with family, often in small towns, away from friends and any means of entertainment or escape. Creating a "chosen family" and celebrating with those people before and after the holidays can be a welcome relief.

As the holidays approach and are upon us, I find my own stress levels rising, my temper flaring and my patience waning. I'm smoking too much, drinking too often, sleeping too long and worrying about everything from finals to what gifts to get for my friends to what my girlfriend and I will do to celebrate Christmas, since we do not go home with each other. Hanging out with my friends this week has been a cool drink on a hot day. I just hope to be able to retain that in the weeks to come.
hello there & you too