Cindy Pettigrew isn't afraid of dying. "Death is going to be a big relief," she said. "I feel like I'll be in a better place. Living is just so hard."

Pettigrew is HIV-positive and has been since 1987. She contracted HIV during a blood transfusion in 1984 - the same year she was diagnosed with leukemia. She was only 19.

"It was a year before they started testing the blood for HIV in '85," she said. "I missed it by a year."

But Pettigrew didn't wallow in anger. What's done was done, she said.

"I decided to keep a positive attitude," Pettigrew said. "I wanted to enjoy every minute of life. I did with the first disease, so why not with this one?"

And that's just what Pettigrew is doing. Today she celebrates the eighth annual World AIDS Day at home in Oklahoma City.

"I don't have any plans because I have problems I need to take care of," she said. "I've been asked to go to Lawton and Weatherford, but I turned them both down. I've got to take care of me first. I won't be here much longer if I don't take care of me first."

World AIDS Day began in London on Dec. 1, 1988. Started by the World Health Organization, the day is an observance honoring those who are living with HIV and AIDS and those who have died.

It is the only international day devoted to stopping the spread of HIV and AIDS. This year's theme is "Shared Rights, Shared Responsibilities." Why is it so important for those who are HIV-negative? It broadens awareness.

One American dies every 15 minutes from AIDS, according to the American Foundation for AIDS Research. It is also estimated that one of 350 U.S. college students is infected with HIV. That means about 60 OU students could be carrying the disease now.

In Oklahoma, 1,577 HIV cases have been reported since Sept. 30, said Bill Pierson, chief of the HIV-STD Service of the Oklahoma State Health Department. Since 1983, 2,356 cases of AIDS have been reported. Of those people, 1,435 are already dead.

Of 77 counties in Oklahoma, 56 have reported two or more cases, Pierson said. In Cleveland County, 106 HIV cases and 113 AIDS cases have been reported to date.

"Even though the big cities have seen the greatest number and the biggest problems, it's here in Oklahoma," Pierson said. "This is everybody's problem whether you live in a small town or big city."

But those infected with HIV and AIDS are celebrating today. They will remember the loved ones they've lost, but they will also look forward to the next year. They want infected people and noninfected people to realize that life does not end with a positive test result. The disease is not a death sentence.

Four Oklahomans say it has been almost a blessing.


support groups

Thom Collins tested positive for HIV on Dec. 15, 1985. He contracted the disease from his lover in 1983 at the age of 17. Thirteen years later, Collins is alive and better than ever.

Last year, he founded Open Your Heart Foundation, and Oklahoma City-based support group that offers a variety of assistance and education to those infected or affected by HIV or AIDS.

"When my parents found out I was gay, I was thrown out of the house," Collins said. "I was lucky enough to find somebody and fall in love."

Collins has been with the same man for 13 years.

Besides providing medications for patients, the foundation opened a transitional home in Oklahoma City in April. At Home Open Your Heart, residents recieve meals, transportation and board for three-month intervals.

The foundation recently flew an AIDS victim home to Texas so he could die with his family near him, Collins said.

A renowned speaker and educator, Collins is also a model with Morgan Agency in California. He has posed for Playgirl, and was an International Male model and Chippendale Dancer.

Collins said out of all tragedy comes triumph.

"There's more to life than just breathing," he said. "Be true to yourself. I never tell people to give up."

Today, Collins is home in Oklahoma City reflecting on his life.

"I've lost over 100 friends to AIDS," he said. "I hate the disease, but at the same time I love it for what it's done for me. Now, I live for the sunrise and sunset.


support workers

Karla Ferguson, administrator of the foundation, is neither HIV-positive nor homosexual. She said she still remembers the first time she told a man he was was HIV-positive.

"It was a young man, 20, and he looked like a high school football player," Ferguson said. "He was stunned. Silence, disbelief and a few tears. I had a few tears, too.

"As soon as he left, I went into the back room and cried and cried and cried," she said. "I always remember the faces. It's not something I've taken lightly. It gives me a greater appreciation for life."

Lilly, an HIV-positive heterosexual from Norman, is spearheading the formation of the Oklahoma support group Women With a Voice. Lilly learned she was HIV-positive on her 46th birthday, Sept. 7, 1994. She became infected in May 1993.

"I had high-risk behavior all my life, and I could have got it any time or any place," Lilly said. "But the way I contracted it was by caring about somebody who knew he had it but lied to me. I have to live with that."

Lilly said she doesn't blame him.

"I got drunk and chose to have unprotected sex with him," she said. "If I blame this on anything, I blame it on my own problems with alcohol and drugs."

Since then, Lilly says she has cleaned up her act. She joined Alcoholics Anonymous, goes to therapy and no longer does drugs. She said she has never felt better.

"The quality of my lifestyle has improved so much," she said. "I wasn't eating right, and I wasn't thinking right when I was an alcoholic. At least now I'm seeing life completely clear and not from the bottom of a glass."

Pettigrew is also helping to get the women's support group started. She said there are very few support groups that aren't for homosexuals.

"When I was first infected, I went to a support group for homosexuals," Pettigrew said. "I was the only woman, but I didn't care because I needed the support."

HIV infections in women are totally different than in men, she said.

"Women are overlooked," she said. "There isn't anybody that treats women with HIV and PMS problems. I have to stay at home when it hits and pray I get through it."

Tommy, of Norman, was diagnosed with HIV in the spring of 1994. He contracted HIV by having unprotected sex with his lover three years ago. His lover failed to tell him he may have been positive.

"Whenever I came up positive I got really depressed, of course, and then I started thinking, well, you know, I'm not put on the earth to be depressed all my life and then get sick and die," said Tommy, whose name has been changed to protect his identity.

Tommy said there is no HIV and AIDS community in Norman.

"I'd just like for there to be more services available, so I don't have to get brought up to the city because I don't have a car," he said. "I'd like for there to be a self-image coalition in Norman to promote higher self-image in all walks of life, all ages."

Tommy finds support in his parents.

"They're supportive of me, they're positive about it, but they don't know that much about it," Tommy said. "They're very confident that I can keep myself well."


relationships

The highest group at risk now is homosexual males, Pierson said. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, 50 percent of those infected with HIV in the United States since June 1995 are men who have sex with men. Seven percent of those cases are from heterosexual contact, 21 percent are from injection drug use, 2 percent are from blood transfusions and 1 percent are found in hemopheliacs.

Collins infected his companion David, who tested positive in 1987.

"We knew the risks and we took the risks," Collins said. "And now we have to pay for them."

Pettigrew said she has only dated two men since she became infected 11 years ago. Both were HIV-positive.

"I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that wasn't positive," Pettigrew said.

Tommy said he wouldn't feel comfortable with someone who was HIV-negative, either. He said he isn't seeing anybody now.

"I'm looking for somebody that is positive," he said. "I don't want to take that risk."

Ann Jacobi, nurse practitioner at Goddard Health Center, said people at greatest risk have had more than one sexual partner within a six-month period. According to the Alan Guttmacher Institute in New York, AIDS is becoming the leading cause of death in women aged 25 to 44.

"Most women are delaying the selection of their permanent lifetime partner until maybe their late 20s," Jacobi said. "She's at risk for every one of her partners."

Jacobi said HIV is not the only incurable disease.

"We're dealing with four (sexually transmitted diseases) that are incurable," she said. "Human papaloma virus, herpes, hepatitis B and HIV. If sex is a part of the relationship, use condoms that are lubricated with nonoxynol-9, and do a genital self-exam. People should not have sex if they see lumps or bumps on their genitals.


education

"Before this HIV stuff started happening, I would do presentations on safer sex in general," said Tracy Creager, program coordinator for OU Community Prevention Programs. "People started calling in droves about HIV education. I did so much.

"People in school right now don't understand the magnitude of unprotected sex," Creager said. "I would rather be a condom-crazy society than a disease-infested one."

Lilly is a certified AIDS instructor. She said education plays an important part in HIV. The HIV virus is carried through four body fluids: semen, vaginal secretions, breast milk and blood, Lilly said.

"The bottom line is protect yourself," Lilly said. "Women are so much more susceptible than men. This kind of ignorance has got to be stopped."

For the last several years, Pettigrew has traveled the state speaking to students and other groups about HIV and AIDS.

"The key is education," Pettigrew said. "That takes a lot of the fear away once you know how you can get it. Kids are really hard to reach because they think they're invincible. I have a big concern for kids."

But for now, Pettigrew lives her life day by day.

"I can't make plans for the future," she said. "God has left me on the earth to not let people die with this disease. There's no guarantee I can make it through tomorrow, but there's no guarantee you'll make it through tomorrow, either."