Thanksgiving, a time of feasting and trousers with elastic waistlines. A time to eat a whole pumpkin pie if you feel inclined to do so and succumb to a food coma. Those of us in the Native American community would like to take some time to acknowledge what we’re thankful for.
1. Pilgrims: Thanks for the smallpox. It was a great addition to our tribes.
2. Religious Institutions: We love how you went about trying to “fix” essential elements of our culture. Why keep my real name when I can change it to a Christian name like Sarah?
3. Western Films: Thanks guys, thanks for making us the assholes of the wild west in every movie ever. We’re actually pretty easygoing when you’re not trying to kill us and destroy/take our possessions.
4. Casinos: What a terrific way for people to remember us by. Slots, slots, slots.
5. White People in General: We got 99 problems and you contributed to all of them.
6. The U.S. Federal Government: You da bomb. Thanks for degrading our ethnic culture and sense of pride. We appreciate it. Reservations are just the coolest and we totally don’t live in constant, abject poverty or anything.
7. Andrew Jackson: What can we say? The Trail of Tears was the best road trip we’ve ever taken. Jackson was a real stand up guy.